Has anyone else noticed that insurance companies like progressive, allstate, and geiko, all claim that "of drivers who switched, average savings were ___ per year"? does anyone else realize that this could only be one guy who switched? I mean why would you switch in order to pay more? As many times as I have thought "gee I am paying way too little for car insurance, I bet I can switch to a crappier company, and pay more," I don't think I have ever acted on that impluse. I mean that is like saying "clorox works so well, that of the people who never cleaned their clothes, 100% of them have clean clothes since using it" or "of people who were starving to death 100% of them are healthier after starting eating on a regular basis."
Really guys? Does this sem reasonable?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Pets
*Disclaimer: I am not against the domestication of animals.*
I have noticed something strange, I think that perhaps some very clever animals have tricked us into giving them food and coddling. I am not sure how, but I have loads of circumstantial evidence.
The basic premise is this, Pets, are actually pests. We just took out an S and decided we wanted them. basically the type of animal, location, function, and size of an animal are all irrelevant in drawing this important distinction.
First, the main distinction between and infestation of cockroaches, and a few cats is that we feed the cats intentionally, and care that they are well fed with adequate nutrition. Cockroaches are more like accidentally fed pets. this is the only way to determine if something is a pet, and not a pest, since, after all, you can have a pet mouse, or a pest mouse. I contend, what, pray tell, is the difference if not a simple case of nutritional semantics?
Second, the relative "cuteness" of an animal is unimportant. People regularly practice keeping notoriously un-cute animals such as ferrets, snakes, and spiders. This clearly shows that we do not choose our pets, rather they choose us. Definitely through some form of mind control.
Third, the location of, or confinement of an animal does not influence its pethood. If you have a pet hamster, and it "escapes" its cage, it doesn't suddenly take on the posture of an infesting animal looking to colonize your home, but rather that of a lost sheep in the fields. Further, some pets receive virtually no confinement at all. Like that neighbor who doesn't even have the invisible fence, just a dog that freely roams the streets. what then is the difference between this dog and a stray? We feed it. Purposefully.
Fourth, animals no longer need to serve a function to be acceptable pets. For example the pug. A dog bred in such a way as to have breathing problems, and be weak. Clearly this animal serves no function. The list goes on to include virtually every domesticated animal there is from the poodle to the ferret.
All these evidences stacked together clearly indicate that we have been duped by generations of animals, far more intelligent than we are. people sometimes suggest that humans are the dominant species on the earth because of our industry and complex society. If we are to accept this assertion, what then are the group of organisms that have convinced us that rather than unwanted invaders they are complex emotional beings that have every intention showing us affection? What are these animals that have willfully tricked us unto tending to their every need, emotionally, physically, mentally? What then are the animals for whom a mulitibillion dollar yearly trade happens, and they never earned a dime of it? What then are these furry infiltrators if not the dominant species on planet earth?
It is my submission that animals are far smarter than humans, clearly any ones that have been domesticated have achieved the highest level of complexity. I suggest as we look toward the future, we seriously consider having house hold pets take an active role in leadership. I foresee a future where we have a Dog for president, cats as advisers, mice for secretary of state, and a foreign mister snake. This future holds great possibilities, perhaps one day Americans can have their own set of live in servants that give us everything we want or need and only ask us to lick their faces and hump their legs in return. What a glorious day this will be. Stock up on pup-a-ronie and beggin' strips America. Dogs may not know that it's not bacon, but they know how to control people.
I have noticed something strange, I think that perhaps some very clever animals have tricked us into giving them food and coddling. I am not sure how, but I have loads of circumstantial evidence.
The basic premise is this, Pets, are actually pests. We just took out an S and decided we wanted them. basically the type of animal, location, function, and size of an animal are all irrelevant in drawing this important distinction.
First, the main distinction between and infestation of cockroaches, and a few cats is that we feed the cats intentionally, and care that they are well fed with adequate nutrition. Cockroaches are more like accidentally fed pets. this is the only way to determine if something is a pet, and not a pest, since, after all, you can have a pet mouse, or a pest mouse. I contend, what, pray tell, is the difference if not a simple case of nutritional semantics?
Second, the relative "cuteness" of an animal is unimportant. People regularly practice keeping notoriously un-cute animals such as ferrets, snakes, and spiders. This clearly shows that we do not choose our pets, rather they choose us. Definitely through some form of mind control.
Third, the location of, or confinement of an animal does not influence its pethood. If you have a pet hamster, and it "escapes" its cage, it doesn't suddenly take on the posture of an infesting animal looking to colonize your home, but rather that of a lost sheep in the fields. Further, some pets receive virtually no confinement at all. Like that neighbor who doesn't even have the invisible fence, just a dog that freely roams the streets. what then is the difference between this dog and a stray? We feed it. Purposefully.
Fourth, animals no longer need to serve a function to be acceptable pets. For example the pug. A dog bred in such a way as to have breathing problems, and be weak. Clearly this animal serves no function. The list goes on to include virtually every domesticated animal there is from the poodle to the ferret.
All these evidences stacked together clearly indicate that we have been duped by generations of animals, far more intelligent than we are. people sometimes suggest that humans are the dominant species on the earth because of our industry and complex society. If we are to accept this assertion, what then are the group of organisms that have convinced us that rather than unwanted invaders they are complex emotional beings that have every intention showing us affection? What are these animals that have willfully tricked us unto tending to their every need, emotionally, physically, mentally? What then are the animals for whom a mulitibillion dollar yearly trade happens, and they never earned a dime of it? What then are these furry infiltrators if not the dominant species on planet earth?
It is my submission that animals are far smarter than humans, clearly any ones that have been domesticated have achieved the highest level of complexity. I suggest as we look toward the future, we seriously consider having house hold pets take an active role in leadership. I foresee a future where we have a Dog for president, cats as advisers, mice for secretary of state, and a foreign mister snake. This future holds great possibilities, perhaps one day Americans can have their own set of live in servants that give us everything we want or need and only ask us to lick their faces and hump their legs in return. What a glorious day this will be. Stock up on pup-a-ronie and beggin' strips America. Dogs may not know that it's not bacon, but they know how to control people.
Friday, January 23, 2009
WT Mobile
I have seen it, the ultimate example of savagery in society. What is it you ask? That is right, a ford escort. not just any ford escort, but a 1995 ford escort, with a two tone turquoise/maroon paint job, and flames. but no sweet ride could possibly be respectable without some new hubcaps from walmart, and some subwoofers.
It was then that I discovered a new question for the ages. Why do people buy a $1000.00 car, and put $5,000.00 in useless upgrades into a still crappy car?
It was then that I discovered a new question for the ages. Why do people buy a $1000.00 car, and put $5,000.00 in useless upgrades into a still crappy car?
Only at the W.C.
That's right Wilmington College.
So I am walking out of Herman Court, the gym building, and I behold something a bit strange. what do mine eyes behold? Yes, a man, sans shirt, sitting on a table, in the middle of a hallway, in the gym building at my school. The strangeness has only begun. So I walk up and hear an odd buzzing noise, but my vision is obscured by the bleachers, upon rounding the end of the bleachers it comes into my view. What was it? You guessed it, another man, holding an electric shaver, shaving his shirtless neanderthal compatriot. As if this wouldn't have been bizarre enough, had it been within the confines and privacy of a locker room, they had chosen the gym, right next to the basketball court. As I walked by, I did my best to play it cool. As I walk past the table, I see a group of at least 6 other full grown men, watching the one man shave the shirtless one. As if a public shaving weren't strange enough, even half disrobed, yes they had a veritable peanut gallery watching. If this strikes you as reasonable, you should probably consider going to Wilmington College. Man I am really going to miss this place.....
sort of....
So I am walking out of Herman Court, the gym building, and I behold something a bit strange. what do mine eyes behold? Yes, a man, sans shirt, sitting on a table, in the middle of a hallway, in the gym building at my school. The strangeness has only begun. So I walk up and hear an odd buzzing noise, but my vision is obscured by the bleachers, upon rounding the end of the bleachers it comes into my view. What was it? You guessed it, another man, holding an electric shaver, shaving his shirtless neanderthal compatriot. As if this wouldn't have been bizarre enough, had it been within the confines and privacy of a locker room, they had chosen the gym, right next to the basketball court. As I walked by, I did my best to play it cool. As I walk past the table, I see a group of at least 6 other full grown men, watching the one man shave the shirtless one. As if a public shaving weren't strange enough, even half disrobed, yes they had a veritable peanut gallery watching. If this strikes you as reasonable, you should probably consider going to Wilmington College. Man I am really going to miss this place.....
sort of....
Thursday, January 22, 2009
beaurocracy, just pisses me off.
So get this:
I take these cycling classes at the gym in the early morning, they aren't that great or anything but it is something to get me motivated enough to wake up at 4:30 and go work my butt off. Plus I love saying I rode 30 miles before most people woke up.
The gym decided since space is limited, and the classes are popular, you cannot have a standing order for a spot in the class, for each day you want to take it, you have to call before the class starts, or for the early morning ones, you call the evening before.
Anoying, but reasonable. So i called the gym today at 6:37 pm. The conversation went something like this:
"Hello?"
"Yes, i just wanted to reserve a bike for tomorow mornings cycling class"
"Oh, you have to call back at 8:00 pm, i can't do that right now"
"That is strange, the last 5 days i have done it i have called at this same time, or even earlier, and no one has told me that except you..."
"Well, that is the rule"
"Can you put my call on deferment? Like take my information, and only make the reservation at one second after 8:00 pm?"
"No, you'll have to call me back"
Alright, so I am more than a little anoyed, not only is this inconsistent, but it is so ridiculous, it is like she is some sort of robot who recently immigrated from not-thinking-for-yourself-ia.
8:01 pm. the call back:
"Hello this is Stephanie how can I help you?"
"Hi, I am calling to reserve a bike for tomorrow morning's cycling class"
"Oh, that class is full, but i can put you on the waiting list."
"really? Because I just called at 6:37, and they told me to call back at 8:00 pm."
"Yeah, you have to call at 8:00"
"So you are telling me that you have answered the phone and taken down the personal information of 20 people in the last minute?"
"Yep"
"I do't believe you..."
"Well I am really sorry, I can put you on the waiting list"
"Every other time I have called early they just put me on the list"
"I don't know who has been doing that"
"You have, the girl I always talk to is named stephanie also, and she sounds just like you..."
"So... do you want me to put you on the waiting list?"
"Sure..."
I take these cycling classes at the gym in the early morning, they aren't that great or anything but it is something to get me motivated enough to wake up at 4:30 and go work my butt off. Plus I love saying I rode 30 miles before most people woke up.
The gym decided since space is limited, and the classes are popular, you cannot have a standing order for a spot in the class, for each day you want to take it, you have to call before the class starts, or for the early morning ones, you call the evening before.
Anoying, but reasonable. So i called the gym today at 6:37 pm. The conversation went something like this:
"Hello?"
"Yes, i just wanted to reserve a bike for tomorow mornings cycling class"
"Oh, you have to call back at 8:00 pm, i can't do that right now"
"That is strange, the last 5 days i have done it i have called at this same time, or even earlier, and no one has told me that except you..."
"Well, that is the rule"
"Can you put my call on deferment? Like take my information, and only make the reservation at one second after 8:00 pm?"
"No, you'll have to call me back"
Alright, so I am more than a little anoyed, not only is this inconsistent, but it is so ridiculous, it is like she is some sort of robot who recently immigrated from not-thinking-for-yourself-ia.
8:01 pm. the call back:
"Hello this is Stephanie how can I help you?"
"Hi, I am calling to reserve a bike for tomorrow morning's cycling class"
"Oh, that class is full, but i can put you on the waiting list."
"really? Because I just called at 6:37, and they told me to call back at 8:00 pm."
"Yeah, you have to call at 8:00"
"So you are telling me that you have answered the phone and taken down the personal information of 20 people in the last minute?"
"Yep"
"I do't believe you..."
"Well I am really sorry, I can put you on the waiting list"
"Every other time I have called early they just put me on the list"
"I don't know who has been doing that"
"You have, the girl I always talk to is named stephanie also, and she sounds just like you..."
"So... do you want me to put you on the waiting list?"
"Sure..."
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Just Treat it Like a Movie.
have you ever noticed how a movie can ba an absolute, catastophic, neolithic failure, but people will refer to it in one of two ways.
1. the redeeming quality
well the movie was horrendous. the acting was awful. the casting was poor. the cinematography was less than interesting. BUT jlo is in it, and she has a nice butt.
2. the qualifier
well the movie wasn't good, but for movies about Robert Redford doing a lot of running, and trying to avoid going to a Chinese prison, and shaming a Chinese lawyer, it was pretty good.
somehow these methods seem perfectly reasonable, as if any movie can be saved by minute changes in presentation. given this new found fact of social behavior, i have decided to refer to all things in the same manner.
examples in dialogue
"how was having your wisdom teeth out?"
"well, horribly painful. shaming, because the opiates made me a bumbling fool. it also was not too great to get three dry sockets, or to go to a movie in theaters and be so drugged that i forgot i even went, but the mouthwash they gave me tasted pretty good."
"how did the big test go?"
"well, for being a test that brought my GPA down, so i will no longer make the deans list, and will significantly reduce my chances of getting into a top graduate school, and having taken me 4.5 hours and only finishing half of it, and getting carpal tunnel syndrome from writing for so long, and having my pants spontaneously catch fire during it, it was the best test i have ever taken."
"why do you drive a mini van, instead of something...age appropriate, and efficient?"
"well it does get horrible gas mileage, and it is loud, and is dangerous in the snow, and not very fast, and annoyingly hard to park, and has a ridiculous stopping distance, and being scratched and dented to all heck and having over 150,000 miles on it, but it is really nice if you need to take a bunch of kids to soccer practice."
"how's it going?"
"well it is easily the best day that i have ever had, for a day when i found out that i have a cancer eating my body like an unstoppable rebel force, and i will probably meet an untimely and extremely painful death."*
i figure this new method will give me an optimistic edge allowing me to see things in some kind of great light, making everything suddenly okay. i see no reason why this will not solve all my problems."
* note, i am not really dying, just an example.
1. the redeeming quality
well the movie was horrendous. the acting was awful. the casting was poor. the cinematography was less than interesting. BUT jlo is in it, and she has a nice butt.
2. the qualifier
well the movie wasn't good, but for movies about Robert Redford doing a lot of running, and trying to avoid going to a Chinese prison, and shaming a Chinese lawyer, it was pretty good.
somehow these methods seem perfectly reasonable, as if any movie can be saved by minute changes in presentation. given this new found fact of social behavior, i have decided to refer to all things in the same manner.
examples in dialogue
"how was having your wisdom teeth out?"
"well, horribly painful. shaming, because the opiates made me a bumbling fool. it also was not too great to get three dry sockets, or to go to a movie in theaters and be so drugged that i forgot i even went, but the mouthwash they gave me tasted pretty good."
"how did the big test go?"
"well, for being a test that brought my GPA down, so i will no longer make the deans list, and will significantly reduce my chances of getting into a top graduate school, and having taken me 4.5 hours and only finishing half of it, and getting carpal tunnel syndrome from writing for so long, and having my pants spontaneously catch fire during it, it was the best test i have ever taken."
"why do you drive a mini van, instead of something...age appropriate, and efficient?"
"well it does get horrible gas mileage, and it is loud, and is dangerous in the snow, and not very fast, and annoyingly hard to park, and has a ridiculous stopping distance, and being scratched and dented to all heck and having over 150,000 miles on it, but it is really nice if you need to take a bunch of kids to soccer practice."
"how's it going?"
"well it is easily the best day that i have ever had, for a day when i found out that i have a cancer eating my body like an unstoppable rebel force, and i will probably meet an untimely and extremely painful death."*
i figure this new method will give me an optimistic edge allowing me to see things in some kind of great light, making everything suddenly okay. i see no reason why this will not solve all my problems."
* note, i am not really dying, just an example.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Commercials.
So my sister has been out of town for the whole month, and i have spent a lot of time in the house since it had been an amiable 15 degrees outside. To avoid the feeling of solitary confinement, i turn on the T.V. even though i honestly despise the thing. So I have seen some commercials and despite what they may actually say, they are in fact saying other things. I am writing this post to share my findings.
1 Stouffers
Who: maker of all forms of not so homemade foods of marginal health value.
Synopsis: a young girl puts her tropy on the mantle. It says 5th place. the girl is in her karate outfit through the whole commercial. she then mixes salad and her mother prepares a Stouffers lasagna. a voiceover tells about childrens confidence and the correlation it shares with family dinner. The girl's mother then says "5th place?" at the close of the commercial.
What they try to say: Kids who have family dinner are more likely to feel parental approval. Stouffers wants kids to feel parental approval. Ergo, they make not-so-homemade foods.
What they are actually saying: Kids who get 5th place in a martial arts competition, probably shouldn't get a whole lot of recognition, but if you have family dinner, they will think you are artificially proud of them. Also, since no one in America can cook, we will take care of that for you too. Cooking and parenting, free with every lasagna. Stouffers, because we know you can't. Supporting mediocrity one lasagna at a time.
2 Nabisco
Who:maker of all forms of junk food, specifically Oreo "Cakesters."
Synopsis: droves of women screaming and chasing after a Nabisco truck, knocking it over and stealing the cookies. Voiceover says "they're finnally here, 100 calorie pack oreo cakesters."
what they try to say: we have recently created a 100 calorie pack of Oreo Cakesters. This should be great for people who are trying to watch their weight or countin calories. Nabisco cares about obesity.
What they are actually saying: It is only gross when women get fat, that is why there are no men in our commercial. Guys, go ahead, eat your heart out. Now, women, we know you can't control yourselves, and simply eat less, or make healthy choices, so rather than help you responsibly diet, we have made our cookies a bit smaller, and sell them to you at 7 times the price, with lots of extra packaging, just the way you sensless and overly exciteable women like them.
1 Stouffers
Who: maker of all forms of not so homemade foods of marginal health value.
Synopsis: a young girl puts her tropy on the mantle. It says 5th place. the girl is in her karate outfit through the whole commercial. she then mixes salad and her mother prepares a Stouffers lasagna. a voiceover tells about childrens confidence and the correlation it shares with family dinner. The girl's mother then says "5th place?" at the close of the commercial.
What they try to say: Kids who have family dinner are more likely to feel parental approval. Stouffers wants kids to feel parental approval. Ergo, they make not-so-homemade foods.
What they are actually saying: Kids who get 5th place in a martial arts competition, probably shouldn't get a whole lot of recognition, but if you have family dinner, they will think you are artificially proud of them. Also, since no one in America can cook, we will take care of that for you too. Cooking and parenting, free with every lasagna. Stouffers, because we know you can't. Supporting mediocrity one lasagna at a time.
2 Nabisco
Who:maker of all forms of junk food, specifically Oreo "Cakesters."Synopsis: droves of women screaming and chasing after a Nabisco truck, knocking it over and stealing the cookies. Voiceover says "they're finnally here, 100 calorie pack oreo cakesters."
what they try to say: we have recently created a 100 calorie pack of Oreo Cakesters. This should be great for people who are trying to watch their weight or countin calories. Nabisco cares about obesity.
What they are actually saying: It is only gross when women get fat, that is why there are no men in our commercial. Guys, go ahead, eat your heart out. Now, women, we know you can't control yourselves, and simply eat less, or make healthy choices, so rather than help you responsibly diet, we have made our cookies a bit smaller, and sell them to you at 7 times the price, with lots of extra packaging, just the way you sensless and overly exciteable women like them.
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